i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
