I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
