there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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