so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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