Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
