I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I wish you could order shots online.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
