If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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