Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
