i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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