Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
