Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
