I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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