You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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