Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
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I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
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she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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