Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
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You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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