I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
