I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
