Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
