atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
