need another drink. this is the easiest way
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
