nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
