you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
