I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
