my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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