There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
