I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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