Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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