My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
