I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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