Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
