Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Randomize
