i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
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I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
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Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize