I love black thongs
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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