Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
