so that wasnt chicken after all
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
