I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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