You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
