You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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