Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
