Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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