Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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