dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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