i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
