Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Randomize
