I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I wish i was in the wii world.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Randomize
