god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
