I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
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dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
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He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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