Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Randomize
