I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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