I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
