i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
