We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
