Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
