Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
