hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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