There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm getting married
To pizza
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
