Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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