cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
We named our party play list daddy issues
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
