Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
