I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
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Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
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Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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